Yes, yes, yes, my lovelies, I am going to make a VIDEO!
I’m going to be torturing the juvies of Arkham Asylum. Yes, my stupid little freaks, there are JUVENILES in ARKHAM ASYLUM! And we meet up every day during lunch. Because they make fun of my clown makeup, well, they’re gonna go to HELL! Now I might end up meeting them there, but who’s gonna stop me from having my fun? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I came up with a song about Jonathan Crane today when I watched him during lunch when we ate beans that looked like pieces of shit and gave people gas issues.
It’s beautiful, and one day, a famous singer will sing it and it will be #1 on the Billboards. Oh I know you’re dying to read the lyrics.
So here:
(verse 1)
One day there was a man
Who was so insane and mad
And one day this man found some…
Gassy gassy gas
(Chorus)
He wasn’t so great, oh Jonathan Crane,
You weren’t so great, oh Jonathan Crane
You’re just a pretty little fearful dork
Oh Jonathan Crane
You’ve got to lighten up, oh Jonathan Crane
Are we having fun yet?
Are we having fun yet?
(Verse 2)
Hit me baby with that toxic fear stuff
It makes me feel like I have to pee
Or just release stuff
It’s all because of stupid men like Jonathan Crane
Or little babies who love scarecrows and have no brains
(Chorus)
He wasn’t so great, oh Jonathan Crane,
You weren’t so great, oh Jonathan Crane
You’re just a pretty little fearful dork
Oh Jonathan Crane
You’ve got to lighten up, oh Jonathan Crane
Are we having fun yet?
Are we having fun yet?
(Verse 3)
I want to shake shake that mask right off
And
Wear-wear that man right out
but
Not that way, OOH you sick pervert!
I want to be… a…. FREAK
(Chorus)
He wasn’t so great, oh Jonathan Crane,
You weren’t so great, oh Jonathan Crane
You’re just a pretty little fearful dork
Oh Jonathan Crane
You’ve got to lighten up, oh Jonathan Crane
Are we having fun yet?
Are we having fun yet?
Thank you, thank you thank you!
So I hear they’ve made a movie about what I did. With Gotham. Aww, they love me! Jonny Crane is less than happy, though. I mean, you know, he was captured and those mob lawyers DID get him out and all… some bad rep THAT is.
Then I find out the movie came out last summer and I go beserk, because then I hear the actor died. What a shit! He was amazing in that trailer. I’m gonna cry. Boo hoo.
Then I see what old Batsy did at the end (well, I don’t see, I hear from Quinzie), so I vandalize the trailer. Hah! HAHA! He’s a pooper. And rich people suck. And I always knew it was old Brucey because, well, you know, he wasn’t at his own party, and I know he was there earlier, and that Alfred Butler dude hid in the back. But… I don’t care. That’s why I got that Rachel girl. HA HA HA!
Oh, if you want to see the trailer, then here:
Yes. That’s MY youtube. Account name? idontbelieveinharveydent.
BECAUSE I DON’T! Screw you, pups!
So yesterday I didn’t post, and I get a ton of emails at:
idontbelieveinharveydent@gmail.com
From people crying that they miss me. Aww, how cute. Well, I couldn’t post because of Jonathan Crane.
Allow me to explain. Little Jonny tried to use his “fear” gas or whatever on me. All it did was make me throw the bottle in his face. It smells like shit. Shit, I tell you, SHIT! What would you do in my situation? Very good, children, you learn fast. So I hit him with the bottle. He whacks me back. We’re wrestling (I didn’t kill him because he’s kinda fun) until Quinzie pops in and pulls us apart and shackles me up.
I actually listen to Quinzie because she’s pretty hot. And she’s easy to bend I think. HA HA HA HA!
Oh, one week and all the children will come to visit their mentally deranged family and friends! Oh, maybe I can kill Santa Claus in front of them. I’ll do it! I’ll kill the mother-f***ing (Miss Quinzel is next to me. This isn’t working. One day, when I’m out of Arkham…) lifeless bozo in front of all of them! Wahaaa!
It’s almost five o’ clock, and let me tell you: Arkham is BORING.
Apart from Quinzie, of course, because, and this is the SHIT: she is so easy to break that it’s so much FUN to watch her react!
For example, today she walks in with a really old copy of this magazine with this slut on the cover, and its called Seventeen Magazine or something STUPID like that and she gives it to me to read because she’s really frazzled, like something’s eating her brain.
If something actually were eating her brain, I have to admit, that would be pretty interesting.
But anyway, I got tired of looking at sob stories and our new wonder woman, whose name is “Miley Cyrus” or something, so I decided to draw.
Too bad we don’t get markers. So I find a picture of the magazine online and do this to it:
See, based on what people say about her, she’s pretty damn stupid. A little slut, I think. Fakers only go so far. See, that’s what mommies and daddies (I HATE daddies) should teach their children: how not to be little posing baby-whinies.
Maybe someday these people’ll have the sense to put REALLY beautiful people on their covers. Like me.
Maybe Harleen Quinzel, if she’s not so freaking depressed. Or if she hasn’t got an STD or isn’t pregnant by that time.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
What did we do today?
Let’s see… I threw my food at the bars. I ended up hitting an old lady who was visiting her son or something. It was funny to see her topple over! HA HA HA! Mm, I gave a nurse, Martha or something, a concussion by pounding her head. She was asking me if my favorite color was pink. Did she never watch me on the news? I couldn’t find my knife to use, and the closest thing I DID find was an eraser. So I stuck a fist at her head. Then there was Dr. Craig, who kicked me in the guts. Now there’s a guy with some real nerve. So I broke his jaw. Easy peasy. Oh, and Harley found out that I hacked the blog last night, and today she’s pissed because she’s afraid Jonathan Crane will flip at her.
Let me put things this way: I don’t think Jonathan Crane will give a damn about me hacking into it because I think Jonathan Crane wants us all singing “Jonny and Quinzie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Or something. He liiiikes her. The creepy scarecrow-thing wants to just push her into his own nasty fantasies, well, I don’t think she’ll have to worry about getting fired any time soon.
Anyway. So I explain my theory to Harley, who apparently gets happy about this. I guess she’s one of those intelligent hookers who’re very okay with manipulating the authority to get what they want. Hey, Harley, when you read this, I think you should know, that lab coat makes your butt look big.
Today I had to write a story. It could be any story. Harley didn’t order this, that Martha did. A few doctors, like Martha, think inmates are like little children in need of a big hug. I got my big hug. It was from the clown in the batsuit.
I think my story is a very lovely story and that I ought to share it with you, today. Maybe it can get published into a children’s book. I even came up with a moral 
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was very, very, very, very pretty and gorgeous and perfect and special and everyone in the entire world gave her everything the hell she wanted! Yaaay!
One night she has a dream about unicorns, and wouldn’t it be LOVELY to have a unicorn! Someone should’ve told the little dumb kid that unicorns don’t exist, right? Stupid, mean, terrible parents. But the girlie wants a unicorn so badly she asks daddy every day and every night until finally, daddy is very, very, VERY pissed off and says, “Unicorns don’t exist, you little bugger, so quit the hell asking me for one!”
The little girl became very cross and threatened to screw everyone’s life over by becoming the meanest little girl there ever was. And she told them she’d be very, very happy and they would see it. They all thought, “Oh, a lovely child will be kind if she’s happy, that’s what happy children look like!” But this was only if she didn’t get her Unicorn.
So she pesters dearly demented daddy-o for a unicorn every day of the next year. On her birthday, she got the nicest presents any caring parents could get for their children! But no, little girl is very, very, very pissed, and ready to shoot someone’s head off. So she screams at daddy and hits him until he gets so pissed he beats her on her birthday! Beats her to a pulp. Broken bones and bruises still look pretty on little girl, though, so she’s still a very lovely child.
So little girl takes on her threat and takes away daddy’s pride of a beautiful daughter by taking a kitchen knife and CARVING a SMILE on her face.
She was a very mean little girl right then, and she was happy to see her father FROWN. (booo hoooo hooo). Because she kept her word.
The end! See! I told you I was a good author. Oh, and the moral of the story is, “Don’t be an idiot or you’re gonna get hurt or your face will be carved open and you’ll bleed your butt off into someone’s face.”
Now I’m going to go watch Jonny Crane and his obnoxious scarecrow act with that Falcone guy. It makes me laugh every time. Considering that smoke only smells like marijuana and doesn’t really do anything to me except make me think about how stupid he is day in and day out.
Toodle doo!
